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Before valentines I bought a waxing kit, but never pulled up the guts to use it.  I was planning on waxing my *ehem*….bikini zone, and I’ve basically been staring at the box for a couple weeks now.  Spring is currently in full force in Oregon.  The trees are budding, the flowers are blooming, and stray pollen is looking for a chance to shoot up my nostrils.  I’ve been getting a bit of spring fever.  Not only to clean the house, but also to bump up the personal hygiene.  Not that I’m dirty, but I’m a bit lax about all the shaving, and buffing I do in the summer when I show more skin.  I started out last week to work on that.

First step was of course the shaving, and the second step was I went to get a pedicure.  Now I’m not someone that normally likes her feet touched, and to say that I have stubby scabrous feet is a bit of an understatement.  Part of the reason I haven’t ever got a pedicure is I was worried what some random stranger would think about my feet.  Seriously?  When will I learn to get over myself?  They don’t care!  That’s their job.  I just decided that if it was that bad, I just wouldn’t go back to that salon.  Of course it helped that the first thing I saw when I walked into the place was an older lady with even worse feet than mine, but hers also came with some extremely long yellow talons.  If they can put up with that, they can put up with mine.  I left that place a new person.  Well not totally, but I have cuter feet, and I’m also a pedicure convert.  My feet are still stubby, but a little less scabrous.

So with all this spring cleaning, I have been eyeballing that waxing kit.  How bad could it really be?  I get my eyebrows waxed all the time.  It’s a little pulling sensation, but nothing big.  I finally pulled the box open and read the instructions.  Microwave wax, spread on hair, smooth on cloth, and pull in opposite direction from the way hair is growing.  I was kind of amazed how simple it sounded.  I was going to give it a try.  The wax was warm and gooey, and it instantly got everywhere.  Within seconds my waxy hands were covered in cat hair, and stray paper bits.  Undaunted I started spreading the wax with a wooden stick.  Warm, and not unpleasant, next the cloth, and then I got to the pulling part.  Deep breath and pull……

OMFG!!!

It was so horrible that I almost crumpled to the floor in agony.  After the initial scream I just stood and panted.  I really should have stopped there, but I suddenly had a small bald patch in the middle, and when I get something in my head I can be pretty tenacious.  I can do this.  Second patch.  Deep breath….and maybe another…..a third breath can’t hurt…..I was standing there debating my choices but realized I now was coated in wax, and I will just suck it up.

Pull.

Just as bad as the first.  This time I didn’t do it fast enough, and most of the hair stayed attached to my body.  I tried smoothing that cloth back down, and tugging again, but not only was my tender skin more painful the second time I had also started to bleed.  That’s right.  You pull the hair out by its roots, and you will bleed.

By this point Curtis is upstairs mesmerized by my screaming, squealing, and angry dance of pain.  I think he wanted to laugh, but after living with me for 10 years, the man knows better.  Alright.  He might have been smirking a little.

I managed to get a whole section removed about three inches wide all the way across before I gave up.  I don’t know why I didn’t quit before, maybe because I’m truly a tough broad, or maybe because I’m just that dumb, but I didn’t quit.  So there I was, still a bit waxy, but I decided I would just wash it off in the shower.  Wax melts in hot water right?  Not this stuff.  I came back out just as sticky as before.  There I found myself, coated in wax, bleeding, bruises starting to form, cat hair sticking to me and I wanted to bawl.  To top it all off I get nauseous very easily, and so I just sat on the bed trying not to throw up and figure out what I should be doing.  In the waxing box I found a little vial of oil.  I assumed it was just oil you put on afterwards to sooth the pain.  It smelled a little minty so I put some on.  Amazingly it also helped with the wax removal.

So what did we learn?  First, pedicures are awesome.  Second, leave the waxing to the professionals. Trust me.  Blood, pain, and bruising!  Just stick with the razors.