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I decided to put a warning on this post.  Some of my family and friends might be a little offended by it.  If the words ta-ta’s and wiener offend you, stop reading!

Seriously.  Stop.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you…..

Because of my surgery I will be taking a week off of work, and I’m so looking forward to it.  I plan on doing a whole lotta nothing, and I have been pretty open about this to anyone who gets trapped with me for more than two seconds.  Suddenly I had a epiphany.  Why tell people i was going to have something boring like surgery, when i could really mess with them.  So i enlisted family and friends to help me come up with reasons that I will be off next week.

Reason I will be gone from work,

I’m going to have a boob job. When I return I will ask everyone how they look.

Of course with a boob job I also have to get a butt lift.  I’m going to have it lifted to my shoulders so it will have further to sag when I get older.

I won tickets to the Jonas brothers concert in new York.  I’m so going to throw my bra up on stage.  Hopefully it will take one of those suckers out.  Either that or the sight of my awesome ta-ta covering will insight them to break their vow of celibacy and they will fight to the death over it.

I will be doing some backup dancing in Sir Mix-a-lot’s remake of Baby Got Back.  It was only later when I realized that my friend who came up with this idea was telling me I had a big booty.  Eh.  I do.  Why lie.

I’m getting new knees.  I’m pretty self conscious about how tiny they are, and so I’m getting new double D’s put in.  Then I can stop wearing pants all together!

I’m going to stop thinking of only myself and I’m heading to the Gulf of Mexico to help clean up oil.  I really don’t think anyone will believe this for a second because I despise getting my hands dirty, and it would involve me not being so selfish.

I’m getting a nose job.  I’m thinking less bulbous, more beaky.

When I told one of my coworkers I was getting a boob job, she thought I said ‘lube job’.  Perhaps I need an oil change with that.

I’m going to be staring in Linsey Lohans new movie about Linda Lovelace.  Were talking about deep throat here baby.

I’m flying to tokyo for the world hotdog eating championship.  I can scarf those wieners like no one else.

Sesame street called. They need me to fill in for Oscar the Grouch.

We spent all week coming up with these, and now you know I really don’t have a life.  I’m starting to get worried about the surgery again but I know I will be fine.